Would You Like F.R.I.E.S. With Your Tea? - The Ins and Outs of Informed Consent in Kink and BDSM

Buckle up everyone. This is going to be detailed and more than a bit verbose. I'm just trying to be as comprehensive as possible and not miss anything.

The Basics:

Equating tea to sex is becoming a played out analogy in the sex education world, but I'm going to beat that dead horse a lot in this section. That said, if you offered someone a cup of tea, and they declined, you wouldn't force them to drink it. Nor would you try to coerce them, guilt them, or trick them into drinking the tea. Because, honestly, who wants to waste good tea on someone who doesn't want it.

For the average person consent simply means agreeing to do something without reservation. To this end, sex educators have established a framework for sexual consent which aims to cover most circumstances the average person may encounter. It even comes with its own cute acronym: F.R.I.E.S. (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific).

Let's go over what all that means in the context of sex in general, while leaning very heavily on our tea analogy.

Freely Given: By definition, and by law, consent cannot be obtained by force, coercion, or trickery. It's two or more people coming to an agreement on exercising a shared desire. So, when you think "freely given" think about the tea analogy. If someone declines your offer of tea, you wouldn't pressure them into drinking it. You wouldn't lay on a guilt trip until they put cup to lips. You wouldn't pester them until they drank it just to shut you up. That would be weird and disrespectful of their wants. The same applies to sex.

Reversible: There are some things you just can't take back. Consent isn't one of them. You can be two hours into the steamiest scene you've ever done. Your partner may be enjoying it just as much as you are. You may have gotten nothing but enthusiastic yeses at every check in. The moment they say no, or can't give you a yes is the moment their consent ends and things stop. The reason doesn't matter. Maybe they're in pain. Maybe they're exhausted. Maybe the mood changed because of something that happened. Maybe they noticed the water stain in the ceiling and got the ick. All that matters is that they took away their consent, and your only responsibility is to stop, not to judge or analyze why first. If they're done drinking tea, don't pour them another cup.

Informed: We're going to reverse roles for this one. Unless  you're a frat pledge, you're not likely to drink from a cup someone hands you without knowing what's in it. My gods! What if it's not tea!? If you drink from that cup, you may be consenting to drinking from a cup, but maybe not to drinking that specific liquid, and that's not really consent at all. This is why sex and kink educators try to be specific and use the term "informed consent." Informed consent just means that everyone involved knows exactly what is going to happen, knows any risks involved (this means risks associated with specific activities, as well as possible risks from things like sexually transmitted infections) and still agrees to the activity. 

Enthusiastic: Do they really want this tea? They seemed really hesitant and said "I don't really like tea," but they still took the cup. And they had a sour look when they tasted it. I think you see where this is going. There's a difference between "Sure, I'll try that. Sounds like it could be fun" and "I don't really want to, but I guess I'll try it with you." Don't waste your tea on someone who won't enjoy it. Treat a reluctant yes like a no unless discussing it leads to an enthusiastic yes. End of story.

Specific: Let's pretend you only drink your tea with milk and sugar, and that's just what you think of as "tea." But, you wouldn't assume that's what everyone means when they say the word tea. It stands to reason that your view of what is and isn't a normal part of sex may not be the same as someone else's. This feeds back into the informed part of informed consent. Your partner can't consent to things they don't know you plan to do unless you inform them first. Consent should be obtained for every act you wish to perform with your partner. If you want mutual oral, doggy, and cum play, you should get consent for each of those, and if your partner doesn't want to do one of those things, it's off the table. Consent to one thing isn't consent to everything.

Complications:

Affirmative Consent: While the F.R.I.E.S. framework for consent is a good start, I find it leaves out one very important thing; consent should be affirmative. This means that the lack of a "no" is not the same as a "yes." Consent should never be assumed (pin in that for later). This is why you'll hear a lot of sex educators use the phrase "Yes means yes" instead of "No means no."

Familiarity: This gets overlooked in a lot of guides on consent and it's easy to see why. On the surface, it seems like familiarity being a form of implied consent undermines what are considered "best practices." In reality, partners that stay together long enough tend to find a rhythm, and learn each other's desires, habits, and boundaries. Certain things will fall into a pattern, and the need to receive affirmative consent will lessen as they do. Even so, that implied consent can still be reversed at any time for any reason.

Kink and BDSM Scene Negotiations: This is where consent becomes even more important, and altogether more nuanced and complicated. Not just complicated due to risk mitigation, but also due to legal considerations. 

Let's cover the legal issues first. Certain activities are illegal regardless of prior or even ongoing consent, and these laws vary by geography. The most common kink activities of dubious legal standing are things like somno play (sex with a sleeping or unconscious partner), CNC (consensual non consent), free use, intoxication play, and public play/exhibitionism. I cannot endorse practicing kinks that may be illegal, and therefore will not be covering how to negotiate scenes involving them.

As for negotiating most perfectly legal scenes, there are some general guidelines I recommend, especially for new partners. Every one of these points helps build a scene where ongoing consent can be maintained.

• Negotiating a scene should ideally be done ahead of time, preferably when sober, clear-headed, and not in a state of arousal.
• You should discuss what activities each partner wants to participate in, as well as the context in which they want to do them.
• You should discuss what physical and/or emotional sensations each person is seeking and how to achieve them safely.
• Everyone involved should be thoroughly informed of and familiar with any physical, emotional, or psychological risks involved with the scene.
• You should discuss hard and soft limits. A hard limit is an absolute boundary a person has that can't be violated without violating their consent. A soft limit is something a person normally won't consent to that they may give consent for in certain circumstances. This one is a bit vague, so I'll give you an example: A person may not enjoy anal sex, and it may be entirely off the table, but they may be okay with it as a punishment in a scene. That means that anal sex is a soft limit for them.
• Discuss safeguards and safe words. The most common safe word system among kink & BDSM practitioners is the "Traffic Light System," which I'll cover in brief in the next section. In situations where a partner's mouth may be otherwise occupied and they can't use their safe word, secondary safeguards like tapping out, dropping a bell, or clicking a dog clicker should be agreed on.
• Most importantly, you should talk about aftercare. A lot of scenes can be physically and emotionally draining, and ways to care for your partner after a scene are extremely important. The emotional and physical impact of some scenes can be intense and linger for days, so a solid aftercare plan should be part of every negotiation. I'd like to make note here that aftercare is for both dominants and submissives. Some scenes will push the limits of what a dominant is comfortable doing, or result in physical pain/injury from various activities. Every attempt should be made to agree on and follow through with needed aftercare for everyone involved.

Checking In: Regular check-ins during a scene are extremely important. Kink & BDSM can be intense, and many scenes can result in a flood of various neurochemicals like endorphins, adrenaline, and oxytocin. This chemical cocktail can increase pain tolerance, alter blood pressure, and even cause a state of delirium. This usually happens in a submissive partner in a scene, which is how it got the moniker of "subspace." This is why it's important (especially with new partners) for the dominant to make regular check ins to ensure their partner is not only still consenting to what's going on, but is in a state where they are still capable of consenting or withdrawing their consent.

The Traffic Light System: This has become the gold standard for maintaining ongoing consent during scenes. It's simple, easy to remember, and instinctive enough where you probably have a rough idea of how it works just from the name. It's three simple words, red, yellow, and green. And it can be used by the dominant or the submissive partner as a safe word, or during a check in by saying something like, "Are you still green?." Again, I'd like to make note that dominants may also have to use a safe word in certain circumstances, and that doesn't take away from their role as a dominant. Safe words are for everyone's safety, and to make sure everyone has the opportunity to withdraw their consent.

• Red: The scene stops immediately. Period. Everything stops, any bondage is undone, physical contact of any kind ends, a check in happens, and any negotiated aftercare begins, unless it is declined due to the current circumstances. This is a time for the partner that didn't "call red" to listen to the partner that did, and tend to what they need, even if what they need is solitude. What happened may be from a mistake you made, a limit you pushed, or even just out of exhaustion. Someone calling red in a scene isn't always someone's fault, but if it is, it's a time for self reflection and accountability, but more importantly a time to focus on the needs of the person who called red.
• Yellow: This is for when things get a little too intense, but ending the scene isn't necessary. What yellow means in each scene should be discussed in negotiations, because it can look like many things. When some people call yellow they just want less intensity. Some people want everything to stop for a check in before restarting the scene. Due to yellow being the fuzzy middle ground, it's important to discuss it ahead of time in negotiations.
• Green: This one is easy. Keep doing what you're doing. It doesn't necessarily mean to push further or go harder. That gets discussed in the initial negotiation and during those regular check ins I talked about earlier. But green is good.

I know I covered a lot, and it may seem daunting, but consent is the cornerstone of safe and enjoyable sex, kink, and BDSM play. This is one area where overthinking the topic has more up sides than down sides, because you're making sure everyone involved in your scene maintains their agency and only gets what they want.

--Panda Actual; Owner & Chief Mischief Maker at The Contraption Shop